Coming Back Out

OK, this time I have a really good reason for being out of sight for a while. We've been blindsided! I was on my way to meet with my caterer last week and got a call from mom and dad right before I went in. They sounded off-center, and it turns out that what they thought was a minor problem for mom had just been diagnosed as leukemia.

You want something to snap your other problems into proper perspective, that is one way.

So, the last week and a half has been a roller coaster, but not the good kind. I'm learning all kinds of things that I really would have been OK not knowing. If you're ever in the position of getting this kind of news, let me warn you that going onto Google at 10 pm to look up the condition is a TERRIBLE idea, especially if you're alone in the house. This was all before some follow up tests, so I've been having trouble not getting ahead of myself.

With the follow up tests, it turns out that mom is in just about the best possible position for leukemia - it's localized, with none in her marrow, blood, or spinal fluid samples. She's still going to be in the hospital for a month. This is due to the treatment plan, where she will get chemotherapy for seven days in a row, to knock out all her white blood cells (unfortunately the healthy ones are taken out in addition to the malignant ones). When they're gone, she'll be very susceptible to infections, so she'll be under observation and kept on a safer floor.

Mom started chemo yesterday - we got to the hospital at 8 am, checked in, got to her room, had her central line put in, a heart exam, and started chemo in the afternoon. The schedules kept getting moved around, which didn't help mom's feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed, so we did our best to keep her engaged and not worrying about everything at once. I think she hit a real wall of "too much" when the nurse was showing us the chemotherapy schedule, since there were so many drugs on the list. She's been joking that she's going to walk out, but I hope that she keeps in mind that this is better than the alternative.

We were thrilled when she turned out to have essentially no side effects from the first round of chemo drugs. She is in better spirits today, even sounding cheerful, and we are trying to get more visitors to come by. She's worried about feeling sicker, but as long as we encourage her and make sure she's as protected as possible from infections and also encourage her to eat whatever she wants, I think she's in a great position to get through it really well. We'll have to also make sure that she doesn't try to be too much of a good patient - that she should let the staff know ASAP if she starts feeling uncomfortable in any way, so they can make any necessary corrections early.

Here's a new thing I learned: once your white blood cell count gets below a certain level, you have to follow the same food safety rules as you do when you travel (no raw foods except for fruit you can peel (banana, orange), foods need to be well cooked and kept hot, etc). Huh.

I'll be going back to SF on Monday, about the same time they're expecting mom to start feeling tired and flu-y. Hopefully I can help out enough before then that they can focus on mom's treatment and recovery. I can come back out in a couple of weeks if they want or need me.

Mom will be getting a haircut tomorrow. I should warn her in advance of hair trauma, but at least it will be easier when it's cut than if her shoulder length hair was coming out from the chemo.

We're doing all we can to make sure she's comfortable and upbeat. However, she finds a lot of help in knowing that people are pulling for her, thinking about her, and praying for her. If you have any messages you'd like to pass on to her, feel free to leave a comment and I'll pass the messages on.

27 days to go before she goes home!

The wedding is still going ahead as planned for now!

Getting too old for this, part 1

It's been busy as usual lately - our group has a big presentation on the 14th, and in the lead-up time to this, we have been having daily meetings and pre-presentations to talk about the presentation, which cuts into the time needed to actually EDIT the presentation. I have four pages of notes on changes I need to make (or look into) for my part, but haven't made most of those yet. Because these meetings are scheduled for 60-90 minutes and end up taking 3-4 hours. Grrrrrr.

Anyway, it's also officially the Holiday Season. We are in the midst of back to back parties in the evenings; on Thursday I went to a girls' gift exchange party (where I lost a nice clutch, but scored some nice lip balm and lotion. I was happy that the handheld blender I brought was popular), last night we had a casual dinner party at the house with about 12 people including a very good friend in town from Perth Australia (Hi, Lisa, we miss you!) followed by meeting other friends at a bar and more time at the house after the bar closed and going to sleep at 4 am, and tonight we have a potluck to go to.

I went to breakfast at Home with Lisa today (I'll have to order the brisket hash next time over the cornflake-coated french toast, note to self), then came home and cleaned up the remaining bits from last night's party (including putting the 3-liter wine bottle in recycling), and then promptly napped on the couch. I slept for about 2 hours and now feel jet lagged.

I think we'll be pulling the plug early tonight after the potluck. I'm curious to see how a potluck with 70 people and one turkey is going to work out, though!

Kent gave me an early Christmas present today: a manual water cannon for flushing pigeons out of the tree from the little balcony. Oh pigeons, move somewhere else while you've got the chance.

At the party last night, a lot of discussion centered around people's past marital problems. Most everybody has had long term relationships (except me) and now I'm a little worried, since many of the problems seemed so difficult and common. Eek.

Could you check my ears? Thanks.

Yeah, I think I'm finally losing it.

I woke up pretty early this morning (after nightmares similar to Japanese horror movies where some spooky kid just appears in front of you and before you can say "WTF?" is SUDDENLY COMING AT YOU IN WAYS NOT ALLOWED IN NATURE), with big plans to go to my house and work on plastering and packing and maybe going to the city and calling the locksmith.

Then I spent most of the day in a stupor, not doing much of anything. So now I not only still have most everything to do, I'm angry with myself for wasting so much time.

I managed to get a few things done today:
1) call mover for quote (will have to move on a weekday though)
2) call locksmith for appointment to re-key locks on new house (Sunday)
3) pick up half round trim to replace all the missing trim in the house
4) pack all small boxes with books. I ran out of boxes before books so plan to take some of them with me on Sunday, dump them out, and bring them home.
5) touch up plastering in the back bedroom (I hope this is the last coat I need, I'm terrible at this)

I did not, however:
1) prime the finished patches in the back bedroom
2) start packing up the kitchen
3) prime the new half round trim
4) unbolt bookcases and wall art from the wall and patch the holes
5) collapse weeping on the floor (although that was close to getting done)

Kent is in Vegas for a double bachelor party this weekend (not his), so I'm trying not to resent it too much that a lot of the new house responsibilities are falling on me. It's working out OK so far, although I wish I had an extra key to his truck for moving those books.

The next two weeks are going to suck hard. A big pre-read presentation deck is due next Friday. We are seeing at least 3 potential wedding spots next Friday in the middle of the day. I think we'll be moving stuff on the 29th, and since Kent will be out of town, guess who'll be handling that? We've got a presentation for a very high ranking manager on Oct 2, so I'm worried about taking time on the 29th, but it has to get done sooner than later so I can get my house on the market. Even if I am not physically presenting on the 2nd, we always work frantically until the last minute on these things.

I would be tempted to drink more if I didn't think it could lead to making me even more stressed out (or letting all the repressed crap come out). SIGH.

Everyone keep your fingers crossed that I won't start bleeding from my ears.

He's having a bad week

So, since Kent's gone off to New Orleans for Jazz Fest, I've been puttering around the house. I've been doing chores, some cleaning, some organizing, all that. When I got to work this morning, I checked my phone and saw that I had eight missed calls. I know they weren't there at 10:30 last night - then saw that Kent tried to call me 8 times between 12:30 and 12:45 am. I thought, oh boy, drunk dialing, and checked the one message.

Which said that he'd been mugged and could I call right away.

Crap.

I called and at first the phone went to voice mail - huh? Then I tried again - and not only was he mugged, but his phone was acting up and he could only take incoming calls. He told me he'd been rolled by five guys while walking back to his hotel alone, down a quiet street; he was scraped up when they knocked him down to take his wallet. He was asking me to send his passport so he could fly out on Monday.

I feel terrible for him, but also relieved since it could have been much worse. He was not beaten, stabbed, or shot, so that's a big plus! They also just got his wallet with not much money in it - more of a nuisance than anything since he has to call and report a bunch of stolen cards. His friends are there and can loan him any money he needs until the package gets there.

Fortunately, he's taking a good view of it too, determined that it will not ruin his trip. Then again, he couldn't come home anyway even if he wanted to (no ID to check at the airport!), so it's good that he's determined to enjoy his time there. I talked to him later in the day and it's definitely improved. The whole group has implemented a buddy system and plan to stick to busy streets, to avoid it happening to anyone else.

So, that's food poisoning AND a mugging in one week. Hopefully that's it for the bad news.

I'm scattered, again, but I think it's just because there are too many things to try to think about and plan. Work (Monday presentation, template corrections, meetings to arrange about vague problems I need to iron out, trip to Houston in May? June? May?). House projects (painting (in what order?), prep, shoveling chipped up wood where it's out of the way, cleaning, planning storage for the bathroom, marking shelves to correct shape, replacing damaged floorboards, installing trim, touching up old paint jobs). Logistics (checkbook balancing. checking living will. filing tax claim revision. filing real estate papers). Social events (my 40th birthday is this year, I have no idea what to do). Other errands (take bike in for tune up. cut more off olive trees. figure out what niece might like for a graduation present. isn't mother's day coming up?).

Valium, please.

I admit it. I can't do it all. Send help.

Yeah, I had to face the music this afternoon. I really didn't have a full grasp on the project going on at work (although in my defense, it's a bit of a cluster**** and I don't think anyone has a clear picture what we need to do but anywayyyyyy...). There is just no way for me to do everything that's got my name by it. No way. None. Tomorrow I get to make sure that everyone has to face this music, too.

I have to admit I did this partially to myself by reacting to whoever was yelling at the time and overcommitting. Dumb.

Now I need to focus on not panicking. That would be lethal, since I totally lose focus when I start to hyperventilate.

I must also remember to make sure I am going to the gym on a regular basis, am eating reasonably, and am getting enough sleep. If you see me not doing these things over the next 6 weeks or so, feed me a Benadryl and at least make sure I am getting some sleep. I definitely overdid it when I was working at 10:30 on Sunday night and finally lost my temper because I couldn't figure out a simple equation. Yesterday I was still drained and not operating at full potential.

If you have some minions you can spare, please let me borrow them for a couple of weeks!

In other news, I didn't do any chain sawing last weekend (I was working or procrastinating). I was sure that chain sawing is not something to do if you're feeling like you should rush. So, that's now scheduled for next Sunday, and it's going to be fun. We have friends coming over not only with a second chain saw, but with their wood chipper. I had no idea I knew anyone who owned a wood chipper! And, of course, brunch to follow.

MINE! MINE! MINE!

Bit of an interesting day for emotions out here.

I met with my East Bay realtors this morning. I've been crunching numbers and it turns out if we want a nice place in SF that doesn't need much work, we need a lot of money up front. So much, in fact, that at least one of us would probably need to sell our house. OK. So, in the interest in having a full picture of my options, I wanted to find out what my house is worth, how sales are trending in my area, and which projects on the to-do list are going to help the value, and which ones are not.

Most of the news in that meeting was good. The realtors love the kitchen. They love the new bathroom. The house has features that people really like, such as structural soundness, seismic retrofitting, and "walkability" to transit and shops (big selling point these days). Inventory in my neighborhood is also low, meaning that the few places that are put on the market still get a good price.

The projects that will help are mostly easy - painting, and finishing some hall closets. Removing bizarre built-ins courtesy of the paranoid woman who lived there before me. Removing some overgrown junipers out front that are blocking all the light on the west side of the house. (OK, that one is maybe not so easy) Putting in a front door with some glass in the top to let in more light. I've even been advised not to spend money on the back yard. If you've seen my back yard, you may find this as surprising as I do (I was once in the running for a yard makeover show, and the producers that saw it delightedly referred to it as "a pit", but a full description should probably get its own post).

But when I started looking around, I started thinking, "But this is my house! I like my house!"

I can see I'm going to have a struggle between my rational and emotional brains here. I guess we'll see what the final numbers say - if it's worth a lot and it's a good time to sell and I'll get to a good SF place quickly, I can sell and buy my emotional brain something pretty to make it feel better. I'll have an answer next week on some basics and another meeting in two weeks to go over the details.

It also turns out that jumbo loans are not easy to come by these days (surprise). For someone keeping a house and getting a jumbo loan, they often have to have a signed rental agreement before they will approve the loan. This sounds like a lot of trouble, especially since I'd be selling in a couple of years to get the tax benefit of proceeds from a primary residence.

So, in the mean time, I'll be focusing on the "worth it" projects, and keeping an eye on what's happening with the SF market listings. Fortunately we're in no hurry to move, so I get to stew about my options.

One funny thing from today is the reminder of how you can get used to things to the point that you don't see them any more. I have a soot smudge on a wall from years ago (yes, years ago, shut up!) from an unattended candle. I'd tried using TSP to wash it off but it didn't work, and I just had not gotten around the painting that room yet. The realtor asked if it was from the fireplace and I had to explain that no, that was me not checking the candle flame well enough before leaving it alone for a couple of hours. Oops. Not to worry though, it will be covered by the paint. And FYI, if you get a similar stain from a paraffin candle, try erasing it with a normal pencil eraser. That works much better than TSP.

Gearing up to return to CA

I've been in Denver for almost a week now, and it's gone very quickly. Despite the tranquilizing effect of cable, I pulled it together and did a lot this week that I'd wanted to do. I did quite a bit of cooking, helped dad with a house project (can never get entirely away), visited a HS friend, hung out with the family, and took some walks down at Cherry Creek Reservoir. It was cold.

The only crimp in the week was being here when dad had a blood sugar problem and the paramedics had to be called in. Everything went quickly and ended well, and we did everything we were supposed to do, but it was still upsetting (I've been repressing my response to it, since it will just get people wound up if I talk about it here). I am hoping there are still some changes that can be made so that this happens less often - it's frightening.

Aside from that it has been a drama-free week. Heather and her family are up from Arizona, and it's been good to see them. In fact, it's been rather odd to have the whole family together twice within a year, since it often doesn't happen for years at a time. Tish is still here at the house, but she's been working full-time this week and is pretty antisocial at home (watching TV downstairs by herself every evening). From all I hear she's doing well, though.

After a few days of doing not so much, I'm starting to get itchy to do something. This is good, since I have a list of things I'll be working on at my house next week (hopefully finishing the bathroom plus some other projects), along with another wine bus trip, and New Year's Eve. On the other hand, getting itchy to do something is bad, since I'm tempted to start helping with things around my parents' place, and they get bristly at all my suggestions (going through the pantry, organizing the linen closet, painting something). Oh well, I'll keep suggesting. I go back tomorrow evening and am hoping to have a boring, on-time flight this time. Kent is on notice that we are going out for sushi on Monday.

Before I go, I'm going to see if I can convince everyone to play "Apples to Apples" tonight. I've been reading the rules and it sounds hilarious. And I have a "getting to know you" list of questions I'd like to run by the family.

I know I should also do one of those interviews I blogged about recently, while I have the opportunity. Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time asking anyone if they will do one. I'm getting annoyed with myself there.

I sense my resolution for 2009 is going to be going back to the issue of confronting repression and/or fear (often connected). Stay tuned on that.

Uh oh - hope I can get out of Seattle tomorrow.

A winter storm warning is in effect from 4 pm today through 10 am tomorrow - 4-8 inches of snow are expected. http://weather.yahoo.com/storm/USWA0395.html

While this would be a minor nuisance in a lot of places, they're not used to snow here (much less 2 storms in a week). I'm nervous now. We're leaving Lynden early tomorrow morning and I'm hoping that the airport keeps running. If my flight is cancelled, I'll miss my flight to Denver on Monday. If I miss that flight, I'm hosed.

A couple of years ago, my flight to Denver was cancelled outright due to storms and DEN closing for a whole day. Since it's the holidays, the higher number of flights is already overbooked, and it's very difficult to get on another flight. My option that year was to fly on Christmas Eve, SFO-LAX-Palm Springs-DEN. If I have to do that again I will be most displeased. I got my tickets in March, using miles, and that doesn't help for priority in rebooking (although my 1K may be good for one more miracle if it's needed).

Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me! If things get squirrelly I may try to fly directly to Denver from here.

Is there such a thing as adult onset ADD?

If there is, then I have it. There was a show on NPR recently that talked about the decline of multitasking ability as you age, but I just seem to have a problem maintaining focus on one thing at a time these days. Today at work was a good example - it seemed to take forever to get little things done because I'd get distracted halfway through, then come back half an hour later and see that that one little thing wasn't quite done yet.

It was stupid.

I'm hoping it's stress and anxiety making my brain get in its own way. It's either that or lead in the Mexican cokes I've been drinking over the last year (but oh, the sugar is so much tastier than the HFCS). If I don't get smarter again once the house projects are done, we'll have eliminated one variable at least.

I... what... where am I??

You know, initially, I felt bad about taking today as a travel day, since I got in kind of late yesterday afternoon and was feeling pretty good. Now? I don't feel so bad. I am so scattered, it's really not funny.

It was pretty easy falling asleep last night; I managed to stay up till 9:30. But then I woke up at 4, was awake and feeling pretty alert for an hour, and was just considering getting up when I fell asleep again. My alarm was set for 6 (I told myself if I felt good I'd go in), but I ended up hitting the snooze. A lot. Like until 9 am. I couldn't seem to wake up all the way and was having extremely strange dreams, most of which started with me getting up.

Now it's 11, I've been up and moving around, and I feel dazed and can't concentrate on anything.

Still, this is better than the jet lag when you get 1-1/2 hours of sleep at night and then have to try and stay awake all day.

I checked my email this morning and feed-in at the unit in Korea has been deferred AGAIN until Thursday, or maybe even Friday. Oy. I should get my email synchronized today and see what is going on and if there is anything I can do to help out.

If my concentration improves after lunch, I'll do some work from home. Fingers crossed - I would like to lighten the load for the rest of this week.

In other news a college friend is not doing well at all - his years of drug abuse are catching up with him in a big way, and his health is so bad he really doesn't have reserves to draw on. His mental state is deteriorating rapidly. And yet, he's still using. It's painful to have primary feelings of horror and pity for a friend, and to know that there's nothing to do to help. One of my other friends has been willing to confront him, and good for him becuase most of us don't have the nerve. I admire his unflagging efforts, even though they are falling on deaf ears.